In Defense of Will Smith: The Slap that Rocked the World
Whether you are appalled by Will Smith’s actions or not, his slap is the greatest slap, hands down, that has ever happened. Bravo, Will. Bravo! His slap deserved the standing ovation, not his Oscar speech.
[If you’re lazy and don’t like reading, you can purchase the author’s audio defense of Will Smith here and listen to it any time. It’s not the same, this article is definitely better, but there still are some good punch lines.]
The man won the most prestigious award an actor can receive just moments later, and people pretended to care. What they really cared about was his slap, and rightfully so. It was a slap so great that it instantly erased all the praise and accolades of Will’s entire career. It will, inevitably, become his legacy. Nothing he has ever done nor anything he could ever do will top this slap. Will Smith really is Legend. The only thing better than owning the title of best slap in the history of the world is, maybe, becoming heavyweight champion of the world, but even then the belt is a horny mistress and will only remain attached to a person’s hip for so long, that is until the next heavyweight takes her from you. Slap king, however… I don’t think anybody can ever take this crown from his head.
Understand, a slap of that magnitude created a bigger shockwave to Planet Earth than most earthquakes. Remember Haiti in 2010? Exactly. You probably don’t, but it was reported that about 300,000 people died from it. The country is still decimated and hurting from it more than a decade later, but everybody that lives outside of that island couldn’t care less and, if they did hear about it, they soon forgot about it. But will mankind ever forget or be able to unhear the “Slap Heard ‘Round the World”? Never. It’s up there with 9/11.
Okay… maybe I went a little too far with that last joke, but at least it was kind of funny, comparing Will Smith’s slap to 9/11. There's definitely some morbid humor in there, but at least you can call it humorous. Chris Rock’s joke, on the other hand, wasn’t funny at all. I think Will Smith was justified in slapping him simply because the joke was that stupid. Let’s subtract Jada’s feelings completely from this equation for just a moment: Chris Rock deserved to get thwapped in the face on live TV on arguably the grandest stage in all of the world simply because the audience will never be able to unhear such an unfunny joke. It’s almost like being exposed to that horrid video “Two Girls, One Cup.” (If you don’t know what I’m referencing here, consider yourself blessed and never—AND I MEAN NEVER!—look that up. You’ll never be able to unsee it.)
Get clapped, Chris Rock. Because of you, her new nickname is G.I. Jada.
If you ask me, Will Smith did the right thing, which is a very unpopular opinion apparently, but I’ll touch on that a little later in the ethics section of this article. First, as a historian and 4-time slap boxing champion, I’d like to analyze the slap itself.
Technique: when it comes to form, the slap was magnificent. His swing was so fast that slow motion couldn't even capture it on camera. It’s like that frame-by-frame security camera footage of the plane crashing into the Pentagon: in one frame there is peace, and the next frame utter horror and devastation. The impact itself, too fast for tape. The slap was so fast and unexpected that people started conspiracy theorizing about it immediately, like: “It was all staged! This was an inside job! It wasn’t Will Smith that slapped Chris Rock, it was Bush!” Actually, guys, it was just a perfect slap, so perfect that it’s hard to even believe. Now, unfortunately, thanks to Will, the TSA will be telling people to take off their shoes and fondling our scrotums just to get inside a theater. You’ll see. His slap had such an impact that it’ll change the way we operate in society. But I digress…
Also, the setup for the slap couldn’t have been more ideal. The way Chris Rock’s head was just bowing before Will, his hands behind his back, completely defenseless, with his huge shit-eating grin, standing there like a golf ball waiting to get sent, and how Will walked right up and teed off. Watching this slap on repeat was like watching Tiger Woods highlights. His follow through and body mechanics were supreme. Like, Will, have you spent 10,000 hours practicing your slap game in the gym or what?
Ethics: the vast majority of people condemned Will Smith for the slap and, since, Will Smith has even apologized for his actions. If you ask me, his apology is what he should be apologizing for. You read that correctly. His apology is what he should be sorry about. Why would you apologize for the greatest slap of all time? To be politically correct? No, bro. Own that shit. Stop being so Hollywood and be more West Philadelphia. That crown is yours forever, and I dare somebody try and take it from you.
Will, honestly, you need a new publicist. (I know a guy. Just give me a ring.) You have the wrong people in your ear and in your corner. You need to start speaking from the heart and stop speaking from the script. What you should have said is something along these lines:
“Yeah, I slapped him. Felt pretty good, too. The little fucker deserved it. It was a stupid joke. As a matter of fact, I’ve never heard a stupider joke. That alone deserved a slap. I didn’t even slap him for Jada. I slapped him because the joke was that stupid. Fuck Jada. I don’t even like the bitch, but she’s my wife, so I had to do what I had to do.”
Of course I’m joking a little bit, but, honestly, I agree with the ethics behind Will Smith defending his wife with physical violence. That’s his bald wife. What’s he supposed to do, just let a bully sarcastically punch down on her because she has physical defects? Fuck no. You definitely have to slap the fucker who is talking shit. I don’t care if it was Chris Rock or Dwayne “The Rock” Johnson, somebody’s getting slapped.
Regardless of Will and Jada’s marital “entanglements”–which I’m not going to touch with a ten foot pole; that is nobody’s business but their own–they have vows and oaths to one another. That means something. As a matter of fact, that means everything. To me that means: you hurt my wife, physically or emotionally, we are going to have a problem, i.e. I’m going to slap the shit out of you publicly. They also have children together. What message would that send his children, him sitting idly by, like a nutless cuckl, as an unfunny clown picks on his wife? Exactly. There is only one proper response to that kind of nonsense—SLAP!
You know what the best part of Will Smith’s slap was? No, it wasn’t the tuxedos and glamour. No, it wasn’t his form or follow through (though that was mechanically idilic). No, it wasn’t that it was televised live from the Oscars. No. The best part of the slap was that Will Smith didn’t get arrested. I heard a lot of people say that he should have been arrested, and, honestly, he’d have a little more respect on his name if he had been arrested, like a true quixotic hero defending Dulcinea’s honor, but God had another plan. The police stood down, and Will was rewarded and got to party and celebrate all night long. To be honest, I’m happy for him. Like I said, he’d be more cool if he got arrested, but that wasn’t up to him. That was in God’s hands. Apparently God agrees with me (or I agree with God) and He decided that no man, great or small, should be arrested for slapping another man.
So, here is the new law of the land, as told to me via God Himself: Humans are allowed to slap our fellow man from this day forward and not face any legal action (as long as no physical injuries are sustained). If Will Smith can slap a man on live television with–literally–millions of witnesses, and not even catch a single charge, then so too can every person on Earth. Slapping, from this day forth, is completely decriminalized. Will Smith’s non-case set the precedent for all mankind.
From the bottom of my heart, thank you, Will Smith. Your slap just changed the world for the better, and by God, was it necessary. A lot of people out there have never been slapped in the face and it shows. We have some catching up to do folks. Just look at the world around you. The next time somebody disrespects you, trounces on your rights, or makes a stupid joke, please, for the love of God, slap that person right across the face. If a slap is merited, you have the right. God said you’re allowed to now. God ordained it through Will.
Disclaimer: I’m not a lawyer, but I’m pretty sure that, because of Will Smith, we can get away with slapping people nowadays. Go test it out for yourself, and if you do somehow end up getting arrested and have to go to court for your actions, purchase this course that teaches you how to win in court without a lawyer.
It’ll spare you the cost of a lawyer and, most likely, get you off the hook. But don’t take my word for it; read this guy’s personal testimony who was charged for allegedly assaulting two staff members at the historic Gammage Theater during the Hamilton play and ultimately arrested because of covid mandates. Apparently the retard won, so the program must really work.
What do you think? Would Will Smith have slapped Dwayne “The Rock” Johnson if Dwayne had told the same sorry-ass joke?
