Mandate Ruins Man’s Date: a.k.a. The Gandalf Standoff

AZ Teacher arrested at ‘Hamilton’ show for not complying with ASU’s mask mandate; disputes ABC 15’s story

AZ teacher and Arizona State University alumnus, Connor David Loretz, denies both counts of assault, trespassing, and resisting arrest, but admits he was disorderly “only in conduct, not dress.”

Mr. Loretz, a self-proclaimed Hamilton ‘Stan’ and high school English teacher who graduated from ASU with a bachelor’s degree in literature before getting his master’s degree in secondary education, claims, with the conviction and hubris of Don Quixote, to have been “better dressed than anybody there” while attending the Saturday matinée showing of Hamilton at ASU’s historic Gammage Theatre. “Second only to my date,” he finishes his thought. “Unfortunately, my date and I forgot to take pictures of ourselves before the concert. I guess we were having too much fun to even think about it. Now, it seems the only picture that’ll last from that night is my huge, unamused mug.” Then Mr. Loretz adds, “That and the media’s inaccurate portrayal of my character.” 

When prompted about what his outfit had to do with the incident, he clarifies: “It shows that I was geeked about this show. I don’t wear my cufflinks and my leather Oxfords [referring to his date shoes] but a couple times a year. I wasn’t there to disrupt anything, but I couldn’t, in the spirit of the show, abide by some arbitrary mask mandate, especially when I’m fitted like Alexander Hamilton.”

Mr. Loretz claims that he felt compelled to speak up about his arrest because, as he puts it, he didn’t want anybody else to be in control of his story—an allusion to Lin Manuel Miranda’s (via George Washington) song, “History Has Its Eyes on You”—one of Hamilton’s central themes. 

Mr. Loretz starts his version of the story at the end: “The first thing that I thought was misleading about ABC 15’s reporting was how the reporter mentioned the crowd cheering at my removal. That’s really flattering and all, but the crowd was cheering for George Washington [who had just come on stage]. The cheers had nothing to do with my arrest, I promise you.” Mr. Loretz, pauses, grabs his morning brew and returns. “People boo in the theatre when they don’t like something. All I heard was cheers.”

He continues: “The news is spreading an inaccurate narrative, conflating the idea of a regular man not wearing a mask with danger, public shame, and ridicule. All those people under-dressed and wearing their masks at the Hamilton show should be the ones ashamed of themselves, not me.”

“All this nonsense for simply saying no?” He claims. “At least I know my grandmother is smiling down from Heaven at all this. Love you, Grandmother Dear. My aunts and uncles might be ashamed, but I know Grandmother Dear is hooting and hollering about all this.” As an aside: “She was a genius—the first woman to graduate with honors from Stanford, as the family fable goes, and she didn’t put up with any bullshit. I learned from her. If I put on that mask, I would have been disrespecting granny, and that just wasn’t going to happen.” When asked what her name was in order to fact check the honorary claims, he stated: “Her name was ‘Grandmother Dear,’ maiden name ‘Rosie the Riveter.’ She’s the reason I’m alive, but that’s a-whole-nother story.”

“From what I’ve heard, the news is blowing everything out of proportion.” When asked if he’s seen the news, he said: “Just that one ABC article that set the whole thing ablaze, but I’ve been getting calls and texts nonstop. People have been telling me what [the news] been sayin'.”

“The actual incident wasn’t even as cool as they make it sound,” Mr. Loretz claims. “They made me sound like Harrison Bergeron in there, but I think a more accurate depiction of my demeanor is Rosa Parks or Donda.” Then, as if listening to the spirit of Kanye himself: “I mean that.”

In response to the two misdemeanor counts of assault, he claims that “the little security staff (referring to a house manager at Gammage) sacrificed her whole little body and jumped right into the big, heavy door I was opening,” implying that the door hit her and that he did not put his hands on her, despite what has been claimed in ABC’s initial reports. “She took one for the team, like that Scott Pilgrim guy from BYU,” Mr. Loretz stated (obviously confusing Scott Pilgrim, the movie, with Scott Sterling, the man, myth, and legend). 

“What a hero,” he reflects, staring into the back of his mind, before snapping back to reality. “Scott [Sterling], not her,” in clarification.

An ABC 15 news article states that before the staff member fell to the ground, she “stood in front of the [auditorium] door to prevent Mr. Loretz from entering.” Mr. Loretz claims that this is just another inaccuracy in the report, specifically the timing: “Before the ‘Gandalf Standoff,’ she had already biffed herself into the door and then flopped like Lebron James. She was being very dramatic the whole time.”

According to Mr. Loretz, after she got to her feet: “It was a scene fresh out of Once Upon a Tarantino Film [sic] in Hollywood. I told her ‘I’m going in and you’re not going to stop me,’ but, like Gandalf the Grey, she was like: ‘Thou shalt not pass!’ and I was like, ‘Bet.’ I grabbed the door handle again, and I pulled it open ever so gently—because I’m dressed like a gallant knight, so I’m behaving like one, and because I’m a monster of a man and she’s a small female. [...] Passing her was not hard. With just the touch of my index finger on the door’s handle, combined with the laws of physics and leverage, I softly scooted her body with the door with the grace of a mother trying not to wake their newborn from a nap. She slid delicately like a little wooden doorstop atop cool, polished concrete.” He adds, “If there was contact, it was on her end, but, unlike Lebron, I don’t flop when I get touched. Then, long story short, I slam dunked my wagon [slang for buttocks] into my seat like Charles Barkley.”

When asked about the house manager’s feelings: “She will be alright. She will bounce back, and evolve into ‘Gandalf the Great.’ The people will love her for standing in front of a big bear. I even respect her for that. I just wish she was on the right team. We can use some more Gandalfs.”

He states: “One thing I’m a buck on [i.e. 100 percent certain about] is that I did not put my hands on her, unless it was to help her up off the ground after she kamikazeed the door and floor with her body. [...] I wasn’t even really that fazed by her, which is probably what set her off more than anything else. People hate hearing ‘no.’ But, saying no, that’s my right, and my right has the right of way when it meets your pride in the intersection.[…] I was pretty calm and collected during the whole incident until the cops interrupted my date and arrested me. That’s when I became disorderly, I’ll admit. I was a gentleman up until that point, honestly. They just wouldn’t leave this issue alone.”

When asked about the second account of assault, he responds: “I have no idea what that’s about. Does it have something to do with breathing common air?” he asks, then, abruptly, “People are more afraid about losing their jobs/careers than they are of this virus. What’s that tell you? I’ve already had students who have been required—against their beliefs—to become vaccinated as a condition of work or for their prospective careers. They don’t want to, but [they] are in a position where they can’t say no. I actually care about this stuff. This is wrong.”

He pauses to refill his coffee cup, explaining that he hasn’t had a good night’s rest since before the show.

“The real story should be the irony of the whole situation,” he states. When asked what he meant, he stated: “What play were we attending?”

In response to the charge of criminal trespassing, he states: “They arrested me in the seat in which I had a ticket, so you tell me if that sounds like trespassing.” 

He claims that he did not know that the venue required masks, but stated that he still would not have worn one even if he knew, citing Governor Doug Ducey’s August 16th executive order on the issue and, this time with a little more humor and a little less hubris, “It wouldn’t have complimented my [out]fit.” 

“It’s about principle,” he said. “I told that little [house manager] that I wasn’t going to wear a mask, but she just kept pestering me. Again, I told her I wasn’t going to wear one, simple and plain. Then I said, ‘Let it go,’ but she wouldn’t let it go. Gandalf [referring to the house manager] never considered whether I had any health issues.” When asked if he did have any medical issues that would justify him not wearing a mask, he said, “Mind your business.” There was a pause, then, “Just kidding.” The tension released, and he continued, “I have had a heart problem, ever since Kobe died.” He pivots and then jumps back into the story: “‘Leave me alone,' I said, but she wouldn’t leave me alone, so I just kept walking to my seat.”

Toward the end of his soliloquy, he states: “As she was pestering me in the halls of Gammage, I asked her if she was a fan of Hamilton. She said yes. Then, I asked her if she thought Hamilton would be caught dead wearing a mask inside ASU Gammage today. Again, she said yes. I said: ‘[makes buzzer noise] Incorrect.’ She has never seen Hamilton.” He concludes: “Aaron Burr was a mask wearer, not Alexander Hamilton. It was just after that little dialogue that she called the cops on me, approximately a whole minute before she jumped into the door I was opening.”

What do you think? Would Alexander Hamilton have worn a mask?