The 10 Greatest Slaps in Pop History with Critical Analysis
The 10 Best Slaps in Pop History with Analysis
Disclaimer: The Reading Railroad and its contributors do not condone violence, especially against women and children, but we do not consider a good, quality, open-handed slap to the face violence. In other words, we here at the reading railroad condone a good slap to the face, 100%. We consider slaps a net positive to planet Earth as, most of the time, they are necessary, just, and educational. With that being said, let’s jump into our countdown of the greatest slaps in pop history and see if we can learn some things from these historic slaps.
10. Airplane!
The reason these Airplane! slaps are so good is because they send a message. When a plane is experiencing some turbulence, the last thing a person wants to hear is a hysterical woman screaming. Say a prayer, get right with God, and shut the fuck up.
Lesson: If you don’t get a hold of yourself, get slapped. The message was delivered, too. The woman shut up.
9. Lamelo Ball
The moment I saw this slap, I knew this kid was destined for greatness. As Sun Tzu said, “The worst calamities that befall an army arise from hesitation.” Notice how there was not even a single millisecond of hesitation after the opponent bopped the back of his head. LaMelo ended up getting ejected and his team ended up losing the game, but that’s besides the point. As the saying goes: “Sometimes you gotta lose the battle to win the war.” He sent a message to all opponents across time: disrespect me, get clapped. It didn’t matter that the opponent was much older and larger than the 17-year-old LaMelo. It didn’t matter that LaMelo was in a foreign land and didn’t know the language or customs. It didn’t matter that he’d be ejected and that there would be inevitable consequences with the coaches and league. The only thing that mattered is that his opponent crossed his line, and LaMelo was willing to risk everything to defend that line. He has hard, non-negotiable boundaries, and that’s respectable. His opponents might not like him, but at least they’ll respect him.
One last detail: notice the speed and accuracy of the slap. LaMelo is right-handed yet he lands a perfect slap with his left. This slap is easily a 10 out of 10. If I had to make a bet, I’d say this kid will become 8-time league MVP if he stays healthy. Mark my words.
Lesson: Slap whoever crosses your line, no matter what the consequences may be. In the end, you’ll become 8-time league MVP.
This is by far the most cathartic slapping experience on the list. To supply some context, this is an Australian comedy bit that was inspired by a real TV show entitled The Slap, a drama centered around the ethics of slapping a brat child. Did I watch the series The Slap? Hell no. I saw the commercial for it and thought to myself: “All these grownups crying over a brat child being slapped need to get slapped themselves,” and God delivereth and gave the world this comedy sketch. Thank you, Jesus. [Tangent: Why do you think Jesus said to “turn the other cheek”? Because he liked seeing people get slapped. Duh. Also, probably because the person being slapped deserves another one. People that get slapped, nine times out of ten, truly deserve it, so own up and turn the other cheek. You most probably deserve it.] Sometimes, one slap just isn’t enough and this sketch epitomizes it. If the slapper from the original TV show slapped more people, maybe the show would have had more views than the parody… but it didn’t.
Lesson: More slaps. Slap more people. Slap everybody.
P.S. Also, I really despise the Australian police, so seeing a whole bunch of them get slapped at the end was good for my soul. It filleth my cup. Thank you, God.
7. Andrew Tate
Unlike the other slaps in this list, this video needs no context whatsoever, and even if there was more to what the Top G was saying, I don’t care. This was all I needed to hear to become inspired. I might get Tate’s wisdom tattooed on my forehead so these bitches know what’s up from the jump: “Slap. Slap. Grab. Choke. Shut up, bitch. Sex.” Let these bitches no.
Apparently, his slaps are so great that the beta cucks in charge of these social media platforms had to cancel him. Luckily, they’ll never be able to cancel his clips, and God pray these clips never get scrubbed from the Internet. Long live Cobra Tate.
Lesson: If we don’t slap more beta cucks, we will lose free speech completely.
6. This penguin
Sometimes, being petty is necessary. This penguin was just chilling in solitude, stoically contemplating its cold, bleak existence when this other–clearly mopey–penguin waddles into his proximity unnecessarily, with poor energy, obviously trying to get attention. The stoic penguin said: “You want attention. I’ll give you attention—SLAP!--Miss me with that mopey shit.”
Lesson: Don’t be a mopey little penguin. Life sucks. Get over it. Stand up straight. Keep your negative energy away from me, or get slapped.
The context: Nipsey Hussle is about to perform at this award show and needs to park his Maybach. Nip’s personal bodyguard and/or driver picks up a traffic cone to move it out of the way and looks to be handing it to a worker, as if to say, “I don’t know where you’d like this cone to go; you’re an employee working this event; I trust that you are the person to hand it to; I’m going to get Nip to where he needs to be.” The worker, presumably the parking lot attendant or event security staff—who takes his title and job a little too seriously—took this gesture as a sign of disrespect, and slapped the cone out of Nip’s bodyguard's hand, which is incredibly disrespectful. That’s where the security guard fucked up. Maybe he thought he was protected behind that little security badge of his because what the attendant did, in reality, was challenge Nip’s team to a physical altercation. (Man to man, you don’t just slap something out of somebody’s hand and not expect there to be physical consequences.) These guys are Rollin’ 60’s Neighborhood Crips. Respect is the code, and that poor man didn’t know that God had blessed Nipsey Hussle with lightning fast hands. As you can see for yourself, Nipsey introduced the security guard to the stars. The crisp and sharp thunder that radiated off that guy’s cheek… God bless him. If you watch it in slow motion, you can see that the parking lot security guard was nearly KO’d. The coup de grace: Nipsey was wearing socks and slides!
People might say that Nip’s slap was unnecessary or that it’s sad or unsavory that somebody as wealthy and successful as Nip is slapping parking lot security guards. To these haters I say this: the security guy asked for it. Honor knows no class and is blind to status. Nipsey Hussle’s bodyguard moved a traffic cone and handed it to the security guard, and the security guard had a little power trip. The security guard learned real fast that he was fucking with a king and his men. Also, if you want to look at it from this privileged- or status-oriented perspective, Nipsey Hussle defended his own bodyguard. In other words, he was willing to sacrifice himself completely, i.e. fight, take the charge, get arrested, and/or get sued, for the man in service to him. That’s Godly.
Lesson: Don’t disrespect the king’s men.
R.I.P. King
4. Vince Offer, a.k.a. The Shamwow, Slap Chop, and Schticky Guy
Arguably the greatest salesman of all time, Vince Offer, gave us some of the greatest slaps TV watchers of the early 2000’s ever witnessed. This guy’s slaps made everybody’s troubles go away. He reminded us that our lives are boring because we don’t slap shit enough. He was so proficient with his slaps that he could slap his nuts with one finger. But, apparently Vince flew too close to the sun with all the slapping and allegedly slapped the shit out of some hooker. Do I think he was wrong for it? Absolutely not. She deserved it. Apparently the whore was biting the shit out of his tongue and face like some bath salt-smoking zombie. I’d have slapped the living fuck out of her too. What was he supposed to do, lose his tongue–his moneymaker?
Lesson: Vince Offer should have taken Andrew Tate’s advice—“Slap. Slap. Grab. Choke. Shut up, bitch. Sex.” Also, don’t kiss whores. Why was he kissing a whore anyway? Don’t you know where that mouth has been? I’d have slapped her for even trying to give me a smooch.
Speaking of charges, do you have legal issues? Maybe you slapped a bitch? Maybe a bitch clapped you? Regardless of your legal situation, there is a course for you:
Learn how to win in court without a lawyer. Even if you don’t currently have any cases on the docket, learn about your rights and the real power you have as a United States citizen in this easily digestible and empowering legal course.
3. Sean Connery
I’ll let 007 speak for himself here. (Click on the image to hear from James Bond himself.)
Lesson: Slapping a woman with an open hand can absolutely be merited.
2. Rick James
This is hands down the funniest slap on the list, and it’s definitely the best slap story ever told. The only reason it’s not number one is because Rick James’ slap wasn’t justified against Charlie Murphy, a.k.a. Darkness. Thank God he slapped Charlie Murphy, a world renown griot, because the world got a side-splitting, belly-howling story out of it–a story so funny, it became part of pop culture. Now, when people hear the name Rick James, they think of Charlie Murphy’s story and not Rick James’ music. That’s the power of a slap, and that’s the power of storytelling.
Lesson: Slaps are awesome, but a great slap story is even better.
Rest in peace, Kings.
Are you surprised that Will Smith’s Oscar slap is number one? I’m not. I made the list.
Whether you are Team Will or Team Rock, this is “the greatest and most impactful slap the world has ever witnessed” according to Winchester Banks, a centenarian Western historian and 4-time slap boxing champion (2011, 2012, 2013, 2015) of the United Kingdom’s southwestern district in the 80+ category. For an in-depth analysis of the greatest slap of all time, read Winchester Bank’s analysis of Will Smith’s historic slap here.
Lesson: Tell a bad joke, get clapped.
What do you think? Is there a slap that I missed? Was Will Smith’s slap the greatest of all time?